so im gonig to read the book Walden and hopefully get some inpiration from it. I really am a trancendentalist. i felt like knew and lived that philosophy/religion(?) before i even knew that it existed. its crazy. //////// anyways. .
last week i decided that each weekend, i have to do something ive never done before. so now im excited for like, every weekend.
hm.
yeah, lately, i've just been getting spontanious bursts of excitement. for no reason, but i like it. ive just been getting excited about everything.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RyKc6nPw6C4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=us_y9GP_-DA
i thought i was pro-abortion, but i think it was wrong for me to be pro something i wasnt fully aware of. as of right now, im not really sure what to think of it. i think if a person were to get an abortion, it should be really early on, because it get to the point where you are killing a person. we need to figure out more effective ways to prevent pregnancy rather than to get to that point.
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I just got back from this meeting at my school. Im really excited to be a leader of this new environmental club. But we're not really calling it a club becuase we want everyone to be a part of it.
things i need to do are:
go to resuraunts/ stores and see if they are interested in recycling and get a list of the places that are. Hopefilly we'll be able to go to the mayor and get recycling trucks to go to buisnesses, including schools..
make recycling bins for the school
get information for the "green moment" for assembly. i need to educate the students on the enviorment and tell them why and how they can help- gradually change the lifestyles
promote recycling and get green bags for groceries.
tell people to collect books for the used book sale for a fund raiser. it costs $15 a month to recycle plastics. all the unsold books will be donated to either the library or the soldiers.
newsletter?
im really excited to help educate the students at the school. i want people to be more aware of the world the live in and the impact they have on it. we're going to have slide shows and hands on projects.
hopefully i will be able to help organize and run events.. like making more nature trails on the island or get involved with the brunswick news.
i have a good feeling about this. i want to get as many people involved as possible.
anyone who is a consumer is a part of this.
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i feel like ive been really pessemistic lately. thats no good. theres really nothing to be pessemistic about. ive got all this free time to do whatever i want with. anything i want. ive just complaining for no reason. lammmee. im stopping that or atleast cutting it down because its pointless.
so far this summer ive read :
the little prince (=) )
the catcher in the rye
the alchemist
jonathan livingston seagull
toa te ching
to read:
illusions
things fall apart
huckleberry finn
east of eden
existentialism is a humanism
the holy bible...
yeah. and also. i need to find a way to get a ton more good music. my music just isnt inspiring anymore. i need some intense junk. so. i guess i'll save up my gas money and blow it on cds. =)
sounds good.
hm. i need to play music better. ide been stuck in this nasty rutt, so im digging my way out of that boring grossness. i need to work on speen and new techniques. oh! and not getting incredibly nervous in front of people, consitering Golly Gee is playing on, um, MONDAY.
um. yeah. im excited though. playing at palm coast this summer was the one main goal for me this summer and i was going to just die if i didnt do it. (thanks forrest!). hm. yep.
okay. also. i havve to run more. ive been slacking. ive been unlike myself and just sitting on my bum. or so it seems. i hate being locked up in my room. i usually force myself to do these things.
egh. oh well. i'll get to it.
oh and hopefully on July 11 i'll get to play with roy and his band somewhere on the island. locos or gnats or something. i'll play rythm and a solo. maybe maayybbbbeee simg.
which is weird because i sing more than anything in Golly Gee, but that seems to be the hardest for me in front of anyone else.
& i kind of wish i still had my long hair. whatever. i need to do something.
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people are so self-absorbed. it scares me to think that we only do what we do in hope of getting something in return. is there such thing as love? because what we say love is seems fake to me.
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usually, the only thing i ever want to do is play music with people. that really is the only thing that sounds appealing to me. as long as the person im playing with is as passionate about it as i am. i need new techniques and new music. maybe i like playing music with people because its a way of connecting with them even if you dont know them. its a kind of understanding without words.
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i feel like ive betrayed myself by not allowing myself to have time to think. i used to sit in bed every night and just wonder about things. i used to imagine the person i wanted to become. the peole that inspired me. i feel like allowed myself to let those mindsets be forgotten because of school, but without that mindset, i am not myself. the things i do with my life will not matter if im only being the person i think i should be rather that the person i want to be.
i dont know why the things that used to inspire me have been tucked away for so long. i need to find that spark inside me and just make it burst into flames.
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the day before yesterday i was walking in the village just because i had nothing better to do. i intended on visiting Lane at work, but her work was closed. i read on the side of southeast adventures that there would be a banjo gathering today. ide never really been into banjos or anything but i decided to go just to see what it was like.
i went tonight and it turns out that my coach for crew was there and someone i met from city music three years ago was there also. it was weird to see both of them there, but in a good way. this one guy gave me his guitar for a while and let me play with them. it turned out to be a lot of fun.
there really are interesting things that go on on this island, you just have to look for them.
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the purpose of life is to discover our own purpose. how can people live with other people telling them what to live for? i hope the government doesnt try to interfere with our freedom anytime soon.
i believe in creating our own purpose, but i feel like my purpose keeps changing. im trying to figure out what i live for. honestly, the main reason i want to get into a really good college is just to meet people. people that have the same interests as me. people that i wouldnt mind being. people who think and who are aware of the world and the things in it. people i can learn from.
ide like to isolate myself in a world with those kind of people. it really isnt about what i want to do with my life anymore. as long as i can find these people, i realized that i would be happy no matter what. whether im a professer, musician, writer, editor, doctor of some sort.
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today we started watching Al Gore's film An inconviniant Truth in biology. im ashamed of my ignorance. it shocks me how we can shove these important issues to the back of our minds thinking that they'll solve themselves.
speaking of mindlessness, i went to church on sunday again. i really enjoy going to the community church. i like the preacher. he is unbiased for the most part, usually towards the beginning before our minds are completely melted and vulnerable to influence. he is aware that there are nonchristians there, and he does not speak of christians like they are better than anyone else. its really interesting to see all the people there who completely soak up every word he says. it makes me wonder if these people are the same outside of the church. if they are so easily enlightened and accepting.
he made a comparison between a nonchristian/fake christan's souls to a deflated basketball. he said that the only thind you can pump a basket ball with to make it bounce is air (god), but its not like it would bounce if you shoved a bible in there either. sometimes i feel a little too cynical, but i feel its important to be actively listening in church. i take what i agree with and drop what i dont. he did mention that people think too much and dont let god control every aspect of our lives. this scares me a little because what do these people know about what god wants? its you thats speaking to yourself.
this modern church has these new and more advanced ways to get into peoples heads. although this is kind of creepy, its thier option to attend church and it does have some good values. the music, rhyming, comparisons, and orator skills are much more effective that traditional church. its interesting. i cant wipe the memoryof the expressions on peoples faces. everyone was nodding in approval. there was a couple in front of me that kept kissing, and then there were teary-eyed people, and zombie-like people. it made me feel like humanity is so weak. we're so easily broken. but its reassuring to know that atleast this church is instilling posotive ideas into people. but still, we are so vulnerable.
well. i would elaborate more on these ideas, but i had typed them all out a few minutes ago, but them accidentally pressed backspace on my computer.
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i burned the bottom of my feet on the pavement today. i should wear shoes.
my life has been absolutely chaotic. i feel really bad because i set the alarms off at my friends house yesterday. and the police came.
ooopss.
hm. yeah. and ive decided to stay at frederica. i dont really know why. i guess theres a few reasons, but it was pretty even. it doesnt really matter though; i just thought going to fa would be slightly better, but who knows.
i want school to be done with so bad. i really want to bring my grades up with exams. i feel like i havent been able to do anything i want to do lately. i havent been running and i havent really been playing the guitar as much as i would like, but thats alright because im lacking..... creativity lately. or atleast when im alone in my room, im not that.... inspired.
i feel gross on the inside. sick and dissatisfied. this whole week. and end of last weekend.
oh well. right now im mediocre.
im happier because winfield came over today and we talked and walked around. i needed less structure in my day.
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i wish i was capable of living underwater.
its nice drifting. your free from the weight of the world. both in mind and body.
and i like how sound moves slower. i can hear everything near and far, quiet and loud. and it doesnt peice your ears like other sounds. its soft, but still clear.
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and also....
if religion heals people, then why do we go to the hospital instead of the church?
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the only subject thats not on the SAT is science or anything science related... which was interesting to me becuase its the only subject in school that was not created my humans. reading and math were concepts created by people, but biology and science are about discovering what already exsists.
its the only think we learn that we know is real. even if we refuse to believe it sometimes.
so does that mean that concepts are more valueable that fact? our imaginations control our lives in a way. we imagine life is one way or another and let that control the way we live. like when we assume things about people, or judge them. we're just making up these ideas in our minds. or when we search for something to believe in. religion is so important to people, and it was imagined. philosphy is just concepts on how we should live our lives. and these concept controll us and become evident and real, and become visible through our actions. we base our lives around concepts, not fact. and this creates a huge barrier beween human and animals.
but we are not only concepts, because a single idea is just a single idea; it cannot be changed once it is created. like a word- it is what it is and cannot be descibed by anything but by what it is.
people can be a concept at one time, and then change into a totally different one later. we are still identifiably us even when we change from one thing to another.
we need balance between fact and fiction.
...... so i think science should be on the SAT....
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yesterday i order jimi hendrix at woodstock and im soo excited to get it. i already watched the eric johnson live in austin dvd a billion times.
im just mesmerized by the way he plays the guitar. when i first heard him, i thought the sound absolutely sucked. the tone reminded me of that musty smell that invades your nostrils when walking into some antique store....for some reason. but after a while, i started to accept, and eventually become somewhat addicted to it. i felt like such a geek with my eyes glued to the screen, but that doesnt really change anything..
I also ordered a loop system too. i was supposed to order if for my birthday but i didnt want to get some crap loop system just because i didnt know anything about them, so i got a boss one with two pedals. im so excited that i get figity thinking about it. i know i'll lock myself in my room for hours, or days when that gets here.
another reason for me to be figity and happy is because ive been writing more. not really as rambley as i am now, more like writing about things more interesting than all of the silly events in my life. i've been carrying that notebook around and writing things in it. sometimes ideas and experiments i want to do. i started writing over the spring break since i was able to drive my dads car and go and venture off. i spend a lot of my time in palm coast coffee watching people and writing about them and all of the ideas that came to mind while sitting there, which was surprizingly a lot.
i was reading sex, drugs, and cocoa puffs by chuck klosterman. it is a book about pop culture that was lent to me by my teacher. chuck is a rude and vulgar person. my opinion of him kept changing. i never knew whether i disliked him because of his vulgarness (vulgarness) or to like him because of it. i actually ended up liking the book though. it was one ide never think to pick out because i usually gravitate toward books that are classic and are complicated beyond my understanding.... I got ideas from this book, and thats what is more important to me. i kind of resented the book at first because he was talking about the real world on MTV for a chapter. i felt like i was getting dumber, but it really wasnt the things that he was talking about thats interesting, it was what he got out of it. i think its hilarious that he got these deep meanings behind episodes of the real world. that was only one chapter though, so i hope im not completely misinterpreting this book to anyone who might have been interested and is completely turned off now....
i feel kind of bad that i told a bunch of people i was going to be out of town over spring break. i just wanted time to do the things i feel are important to me, and i havent found anyone who would do them with me. and the people who want to do these things usually see things much different than i do. i just dont feel like theres a connection most of the time. i guess thats part of being at a small ( cage-like) school. i thought of going to GA next year, but mr. gardner is getting single shells for rowing next year, and i think im supposed to be rowing by myself.
why did i have ot go and volenteer to row during the fall? there was this period of time where i thought it would be brilliant to use rowing to get into a liberal arts school. i still do think its a good idea, but it makes me sad to think that i didnt get into the school because of the things that interest me the most, but someting that is not really someting that i will be doing for the rest of my life. Ive got my times and ratios being compared to some girls in colleges, and i feel like im really close, i dont think it will take too much to be competing with them... i just need to lose weight and run a little more. but honestly, it doesnt seem hard at all to catch up to them.
well, i still love crew, its a beautful sport. (the reason i joined the team in the 8th grade was because it look pretty in a picture, but of course, i wouldnt join a team and not put everything into it. i mean, thats what caught my interest, not why im on the team [ my reasons for being on the team have become more complex than a mere image]).
ugh. so yeah, i feel like thats the only reason why im not enrolled at GA.
so anyways, spring break was pretty good. i really wanted to practice guitar more than anything, so i did for days at a time. sadly, there is no visible improvement (obviously), so its hard to tell if what i was doing was worth my time. i really want to become professional by the time im 18. that sounds like a rediculous goal, but im always setting over the top goals. even if i dont actually accomplish them, i like atleast trying to be irrational. sometimes it helps. .. i thrive on my irrational goals and other people's doubt.
well, today was the last crew practice. so i just gained 10 hours of my week back. and strangly, im kind of sad that its over (kind of), becuase it was really pretty on the north end and being out on the water at sunset. ..... and seeing crocadiles swim near the area you launch at......
so i'll be running agian afterschool. .... four hours have just been subtracted from my freedom time bank.......
well, running just gives me more time to listen to music without feeling like slum all hunched over. i can actually think about the song and figure out what things i need to learn on the guitar while im running rather than doing that at home and being all secluded in my room (which is completely my fault consitering i chose to do this despite all of the other "fun" things i could be doing).
i really could ramble on forever. but ...
im not going to right now?
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i feel really awesome right now, consitering i have no idea how to work livejournal. i never liked the idea of having a blog. i never like the idea of rambling on about myself on the internet for so many reasons....
but i just got this anyway.
i cant post a first entry. its typical to have a confused and really lame first entry anyways, so i guess ive accomplished that so far. ..
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confused